filed in: Tasty Tuesday

Tasty Tuesday – The Bathroom!

    Today is Tasty Tuesday as declared by Lazy Daisy! Tasty Tuesday is to focus on something non- food related to savor or relish. Something to concentrate on, mull over, treasure, sip, or linger longer over a tasty morsel, be it Brain food, or Soul food . In otherwords, Food For The Soul!

        My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have wet down my leg and we’d go home.

          That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is especially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Nelly’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

            Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume “The Stance.” Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

              To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that’s in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

                Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work and your purse whams you in the head. “Occupied!” you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because you never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, “You don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.”

                  And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

                    At that point, you give up. You’re soaked by the splashing water.

                      You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

                        One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman’s hand and say warmly, “Here. You might need this.”

                          At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. “What took you so long?” he asks, annoyed… This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

                            This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

                              So the moral of this story – Men, NEVER ask a woman why it takes her so long. And women, always carry kleenex in your purse! )

                                PS – The answer to the other question, why do women go in pairs. It’s so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.

                                  By The Way: I borrowed this from a friend on a message board I frequent. HE has a great sense of humor! )

                                    Oh here’s a goodie for you! Have you ever had the desire to be a STAR? Then head on over to my friend Wendy’s, at “A Whimsie by Wendy Wings,” she’s holding an open casting call for the next 48 hours….who knows, you could be the next big thing!! )

                                      Share

                                      11 Comments on “Tasty Tuesday – The Bathroom!”

                                      mar
                                      said:
                                      March 28th, 2006 at 3:13 am

                                      This was hilarious! I always carry Kleenex in my purse and I have actually perfected The Stance over the years!


                                      March 28th, 2006 at 9:53 am

                                      If only public toilets looked like what is in your photo, I wouldn’t hesitate to use them. What else can I say but Yikes..


                                      Theresa
                                      said:
                                      March 28th, 2006 at 11:23 am

                                      So true! I always carry tissue in my purse!


                                      Dariana
                                      said:
                                      March 28th, 2006 at 2:18 pm

                                      Could we be related? Perhaps our Mothers are. My Mother was also a fanatic about toilets and “be sure you have on clean underwear in case you get in a wreck”. lol


                                      March 28th, 2006 at 5:50 pm

                                      I avoid public toilets if at all possible, the stance is an art form lol.


                                      March 28th, 2006 at 7:16 pm

                                      Oh My Lordy!! ROTFLOL…!

                                      Does this ever sound familiar, dear YR! Wonderful Post!Terrible Memory…This was great, no matter where you got it from…Very Well Written! Thanks for the Hilarity on this Rainy Day In L.A.


                                      Katherine
                                      said:
                                      March 28th, 2006 at 8:00 pm

                                      Oh, very accurate! Sad but true.


                                      March 28th, 2006 at 8:01 pm

                                      Any woman would love this post!! I gave up a LONG time ago doing the STANCE!! My legs won’t do that anymore..About adding my name to your blog roll..I would feel honored!!


                                      Barbara
                                      said:
                                      March 28th, 2006 at 10:22 pm

                                      Funny story, I bet most woman can identify with this story.


                                      March 28th, 2006 at 11:21 pm

                                      Toilet Technique 101 in the Southern Ladies Handbook….Dick and Jane were for sissies! Your mom didn’t teach you the drip dry method?…..seriously how did you pass debutante training!


                                      Autumn
                                      said:
                                      March 29th, 2006 at 10:42 pm

                                      Oh my goodness. I laughed so hard reading this. Thanks for a wonderful post.


                                       
                                       

                                      Leave a comment

                                      yum yawn worship worried thumbsup thumbsdown smug sleep shy shrug sentimental raisebrow party nervous nerd music mouthshut luv innocent embarrassed angel mrgreen idea ? -) roll cry oops razz -P mad lol cool shock sad smile

                                      CommentLuv badge

                                      Spam Protection by WP-SpamFree

                                    • Categories

                                    • Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape